Sometimes when parents divorce, they are forced to share custody of the children with a parent who is angry or bitter. The following strategies can help with this problem and don’t require any cooperation.
- Be available when the kids come to visit. Do not take that time for shopping, visits from friends, or any other chores that do not pertain to the children. Allow approximately an hour to sit down at the table so they can share their stories, complaints, and anything else they feel is important for you to know.
- Make sure you take care of yourself by getting regular exercise. You also want to ensure you are in good spirits emotionally by spending time with a good friend or therapist, writing in a journal, and working through any anger issues. You have to take care of your own basic needs first before you can take care of those of your children.
- Never judge the other parent within range of your child’s hearing. If you speak of your ex in a negative way where your child can hear he or she feels insulted. While adults see the separation between parent and child, the children do not. Save the judgments until you can vent them with a supportive listener. Use this time to prepare a neutral answer for the future when your children are old enough to ask why you got divorced.
- Never judge your children’s feelings but rather just be a good listener. If something happened at the home of the other parent, do not judge whether their feelings are right or wrong. There is no need for a resolution to the situation that is causing frustration.
- Don’t try to solve your children’s problems for them but instead teach them how to solve them on their own. Do not try to be a mediator for any problems they may be having with the other parent’s family.
- Have necessary clothing and personal items at each house.
- Do not use your children to deliver messages to the other parent or allow them to speak on your behalf. You also don’t want to ask them to keep secrets from the other parent because this puts them in the middle of an adult situation.
- Do not attempt to speak for the other parent when it comes to events that occur at the home of the other parent or things that may differ in the way each parent chooses to raise the children.
- Do not try to make your children feel guilty about loving the other parent. Give them the freedom to love both of you without fear or guilt.
- Create a family history that is full of happy memories. Reserve memories of happy times when you and your ex were still happy and share those with your children. This is especially important if the children were very young when you divorced and don’t have any recollection of those times.