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Choosing to divorce is never an easy decision regardless of how frustrated and unhappy you have become in your marriage. There are many strong emotions that emanate from both sides, so it is important to choose healthy alternatives in order to relieve the tension and reduce the amount of stress that is a natural part of divorce. The Initial Decision Once a couple makes the decision to legally end a relationship, a difficult and lengthy process follows. Even if there are no complex legal and financial matters involved, there is still a great deal of turmoil that affects everyone: grandparents, children, friends, and extended family. In all likelihood at least some family members will notice a decline in their standard of living while everyone will be faced with emotional challenges. Dealing with the Stress of Divorce Separation and divorce are two very painful life events and can cause a person to question everything that is part of his or her life. Some of the coping techniques you can use to take care of not only yourself but others include the following: Join a support group and consider mediation in order to reduce confrontations with your ex-spouse Avoid withdrawing from social settings Learn how to achieve a balance between giving and receiving Avoid guilt and negativity over what might have been Be sure to make time for yourself Avoid worrying what others might think Get rid of clutter in your environment Set priorities and create a schedule of tasks that need done and the order in which they are to be completed Return to school to improve your marketable skills if necessary Don’t allow your anger to drain your energy Do not have any fear of going out alone and meeting new people Divorce and Financial Issues Finances are the cause of a great deal of stress within many marriages; this is even more of a problem after a break up. Unfortunately, many divorces are actually preceded by problems with money. Once you are a single person again you will need to deal with all the financial matters—if your spouse handled that area of your relationship, you need to learn how to manage finances on your own. If necessary consult with a professional for advice on creating a realistic budget.

Divorce is never easy on anyone whether it be family or close friends. Those likely to be the most vulnerable at this time are teenagers, especially if the parents are frequently arguing or if there are allegations of infidelity. It’s essential to treat the subject in a way that will allow them to build and maintain deep and lasting future relationships rather than allowing the divorce to destroy them and ruin any possible lasting relationships. Approaching the Subject When you begin to realize your marriage is ending and divorce is a certainty, you know discussing the subject with your teenager is going to be extremely difficult. The task is hard enough when the children are younger, but with teenagers in the family you will find yourself faced with completely different questions. It is essential for parents to know the best way to approach the subject including how much to share. How Much Do They Need to Know? While it can be tempting to provide teenagers with more adult details because of their ages, this is not always the best idea. Even though they may have a better understanding of what divorce means, too many details can be even more burdensome for teenagers than it is for little ones who have no understanding of its meaning. There is no need to provide your teen the details of your separation; those should remain private. If the relationship is ending due to infidelity or unfaithfulness, both teenagers and other children should not be privy to this information. Some information related to the parents’ relationship with one another is not the business of the children. You only need to tell them that sometimes adults grow apart and are unable to maintain the close relationship they had at one time. Let them know your love for them is consistent and unconditional and will remain so. Helping Teenagers Move Forward Teenagers are at a very vulnerable time in their lives, the time when they are forming the entire foundation for all future relationships. The way you speak to and act toward your spouse will have a huge impact on these future relationships. These actions will help formulate your teen’s attitude toward romantic relationships, so you need to be able to place a boundary between how you feel toward your spouse and the way you project yourself as a parent. It can be damaging to your relationship with your teen if you make him or her feel the need to choose one parent over the other. You want to make a concentrated effort to share the divorce plans in a way that ensures your teen can move forward. Only you can guarantee your children can move forward and maintain a healthy attitude about love and relationships.

When you meet with a divorce lawyer for the first time it is essential to be prepared. This means you want to come to the meeting with the right tools in order to ensure a smooth process. There are several things you need to do before you appear for the first meeting. Some of those things are listed below. Documents to Bring with You When you meet with a divorce lawyer for the first time, there are some documents you need to assemble and bring with you to that initial consultation. The most important documents include the following: Tax returns (these are helpful in making a potential assessment for alimony and/or child support) All retirement plan details (this tends to be some of the largest assets and therefore is most likely to provide the most current view of your financial situation) All statements of bank balances and investments Prenuptial and/or post nuptial agreements Credit card statements Recent pay stubs for both parties in order to provide a current picture of family income Deeds to any real estate you own Prepare Notes Ahead of Time You will need to provide the lawyer with any essential information that relates to both your personal and business background before you meet for the first time. Make notes about any facts you believe are important in your case such as: A timeline of your marriage and the events that led to the decision to file for divorce Information about your children If applicable, information on previous marriages and divorces Most important issues in the divorce (timesharing/custody, property division, business assets, etc.) Any other issues that may have an impact on the divorce such as drug or alcohol abuse, physical or sexual abuse, criminal history, etc. In order to make sure you protect your privacy, you want to make sure you label each page of the timeline with the words “ATTORNEY – CLIENT PRIVILEGE INFORMATION.” This information should be in the lawyer’s hands prior to the first meeting in order to allow him or her to review it before your meeting and prepare accordingly.  Be Prepared with Questions During this initial meeting you have the opportunity to ask questions and get answers to any questions you have about your divorce. This is also the perfect chance to learn more about the lawyer and how he or she operates. You can ask about any relevant work experience the attorney has, the cost of the services you require, how the lawyer feels about the use of a mediator, and anything else that is important to you. Make a list of any and all questions and concerns that come into your mind. Even though you may be anxious about your future after the divorce, you can ease your mind when you prepare for the road that lies ahead. This begins with being confident and coming prepared to the first meeting with the divorce lawyer.

By Laura D’Orsi What brings you peace? Peace is a relative word. When we hear about what is going on in the world today, it can make us anxious. When we are facing something stressful in our personal life, it can create sleepless nights, weight loss and turmoil. For anyone going through a divorce, there is a great deal of stress and anxiety involved. I recommend that you not ignore this stress and anxiety but find ways to help control and deal with it as it will help you with the divorce process and your future. These are some of the issues my clients have dealt with and how I have responded. I feel so uncertain, I don’t know what will happen to me. When you feel uncertain about the divorce process or your future, you must remember that the only person you can “worry” about is you. We have no control over a spouse or what the spouse will do, we can only control what you do. If you are not employed, I would encourage you to seek employment. Even if you will be receiving alimony, it is always best to be in a situation where you have your own income coming in, so that if alimony or child support is late, you can put food on the table or pay your electric bill. It is not healthy to be totally dependent on another person and having your own paycheck coming in is a way to avoid this dependency. I can’t sleep at night, I can’t eat. If you are so stressed that the divorce is impacting your daily life, I encourage you to seek help. Again, divorce is a stressful time and many people need the help of a professional to assist them in the process. There is nothing wrong with seeking help. In fact, it is better to place yourself in the healthiest, best position possible. I work with many mental health professionals who are experienced at helping you through the process. Use them. That is what they are there for. I am so concerned about my children. Again, it is important for you to take care of yourself. See a doctor. Eat right. Exercise. Take up yoga or meditation. Do all the things to be the best parent that you can be. If you are at your best, this is what you will be for your children. Your best. What should I do with my life. A divorce is a great time for a life transition. Perhaps you want to go back to school or reenter the workforce. Maybe you have a wonderful idea for a business you have always wanted to start. Now is the time. I work with life coaches and career coaches who can help put you on the right track in making a transition. Where will I live. If you will have to sell your home and move, I encourage you to look at your options. Again, I suggest that they be affordable, where you can pay some or most of it without relying on alimony or child support from an ex spouse. Look at rentals or possible homes to purchase. Again, if you want to purchase a home, you will have to qualify for a mortgage and the mortgage providers will look at your income and the support you will be receiving. Know what your budget is and learn to stick with it. Save for a rainy day. If you are coming out of a marriage with savings, do not plan on using those savings to live. Keep them intact and only use the interest. I also encourage clients to speak to a Financial Advisor or Certified Financial Planner to help them in doing a budget, saving and planning for the future. Once you are divorced, your future will be in your own hands, and it is up to you to plan for it. Many older divorced men and women who received alimony after their divorce are now in devastating financial situations once the other spouse retires. You must plan for the future and that starts today.

In this recent episode of New Jersey Divorce Talk Radio, attorneys Robert E. Goldstein, Esq. and Steven P. Monaghan, Esq. discuss what you should know about NJ child support. Listen