In this episode of New Jersey Divorce Talk Radio, Laura M. D’Orsi, Esq. and Dr. Karen B. Donahue, PsyD, a licensed psychologist, discuss high conflict couples in the context of litigated divorce vs. the collaborative process.
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New Jersey family law attorney Anna–Maria Pittella and Dr. William Frankenstein, Ph.D., an independent, licensed psychologist, discuss the value of the collaboratively trained team within the collaborative divorce process.
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Divorce is very difficult no matter how unhappy the marriage may have been. Those who are directly involved experience a great many different feelings and may even feel sadness, especially if there are children involved. Sometimes the only way to cope with the associated feelings is by joining a divorce support group. Coping with the Feelings Anyone going through a divorce may experience a variety of different emotions that might include anger, grief, and confusion. In addition to all the overwhelming emotions, there are both legal and financial issues with which they must deal. When you add the additional problems of shared custody, visitation, and child support it can create quite a burden. This is an area in which a divorce support group can be quite invaluable. A divorce support group provides a means of moral support for those who are going through the process of separation and pending divorce. What makes these groups so helpful is everyone who attends the support group is experiencing the same thing and is therefore able to provide moral support as well as practical advice. Sometimes becoming involved with the right group can make the difference between a person struggling without help or having the help necessary for him or her to take control of the entire situation at hand. Finding a Divorce Support Group Anyone who is looking for a support group will find a great many helpful resources. The best divorce support group is one that makes an individual feel comfortable enough to discuss any issues with which that person is uncomfortable without worrying about whether anyone is listening. The best way to find the right group is by attending several different ones before making a final decision. When you attend divorce support groups you can communicate with people who can help you create the best possible situation for your children not just during the divorce but afterward as well. They will help you focus on the interests of your children over both a short-term and long-term period of time. Benefits of a Divorce Support Group Divorce creates a lot of emotions, and many people have a difficult time dealing with and controlling the emotions associated with the process. Divorce support groups will help you set goals that will be beneficial to the children and help you learn to focus on their interests and needs instead of on your emotions and all the things that irritate you about your ex. Everyone in the support group will initially be strangers to you. It may be difficult to enter into a group that consists of members who already know each other, so you may want to choose a start up group instead of an existing one. You may also want to decide whether you want to sit in on a group with only one gender or both. Some people may not feel comfortable in a mixed group. There are several benefits of attending a divorce support group that include: Ability to discuss your emotions and situation with people who are in a similar situation Shows you how others are handling their children and will provide you with ideas and solutions you might find useful when it comes to dealing with daily problems with your children Support groups can help you learn how to ease the disappointment your family members may feel regarding your divorce Sharing your emotions will help you feel appreciated for your courage Support group members will help you understand the financial challenges divorce will present and help you learn how to handle them You will learn about your rights in the state where you live Group members will drill you about the importance of not signing any papers before consulting with a divorce lawyer You will receive encouragement in the process of building new relationships Don’t wait to become involved in a divorce support group. You should begin looking as soon as you and your spouse make the decision to end your marriage. How to Find Divorce Support Groups No matter where you live there are likely to be thousands of divorce support groups in your area. It’s easy enough to find one that meets your needs by talking to friends who have been divorced and visited a divorce support group. Talking to someone who is familiar with one of these groups is the easiest way to find one that meets your needs and makes you feel comfortable. If you don’t have any friends who are divorced—or at least none who have felt the need to join a divorce support group—there are other resources you can use such as: Searching the internet Conducting a search under various government agencies and community services organizations Obtain a recommendation from your attorney Seek a referral from either your church or a social worker Getting through a divorce is a very heartbreaking and painful experience, but finding a compassionate and helpful divorce support group can make the process easier and more bearable. This begins with learning how to choose the support group that makes you feel comfortable and meets your individual needs.
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Far too often the past can rear its ugly head in the middle of a conversation – but it’s important to remember that bringing up disagreements and discussions aren’t beneficial to anyone. In fact, making the decision to discuss only the children can alleviate the stress from both parties. Determine the best contact methods If you’re both known for blowing up over the phone, stay clear of this method of contact until you can both learn to talk politely. Take the time to determine which type of contact is going to work well for both of you – whether that’s email, phone, text message or social media. Discuss as adults not with children Don’t include your children in your communication – especially if you might say something disparaging about your ex. As a parent, you need to make the decision to have open communication with your partner – which shouldn’t include your children under any circumstance. Take a breather If your contact is getting you agitated, make sure you take the time to separate and collect your thoughts before continuing the conversation. Many times, parenting needs to be about give or take, not about trying to make the other parent look bad. Take the time to discuss important matters privately – without your children around. Have a third party While a third party can make things seem like a cat and mouse game, for parents who simply can’t see eye-to-eye, it can be a useful tool in learning to communicate together. Ask a mutual friend to sit down with the two of you and help the conversation progress to a resolution. Do not use this if you believe either partner wants to play “right and wrong”. Learn to let go Many times, old emotions can be hard to move past – especially if the divorce is still raw. While you’re entitled to feel hurt, it’s not beneficial to your children. Pretend that your ex is simply a co-worker who’s trying to parent your children effectively and don’t stray from that communication.
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Divorce today is most likely very different then it was 20 or even 10 years ago. Many men today are very involved parents. They care for the daily needs of their children, help with homework, coach their sports teams, and care for them while their spouse is working. In certain cases that I have been involved with, it is becoming more common that men enjoy extensive parenting time with their children,, not the typical every other weekend schedule that men enjoyed in the 1970s and 1980s. Today, many families who divorce choose to establish parenting schedules where the children enjoy certain days overnight each week with one parent or the other, and also alternate weekends. This enables both of the parents to continue an active role in the lives of their children. Obviously it is better, if both parents can be involved in the daily lives of their children, rather than one parent being resorted to a weekend or a Disneyworld parent role, where he/she only spends time with the children every other weekend. It should be noted, that these shared parenting arrangements work best where both parties get along, the parties live in the same or in nearby towns, and where neither party has a career that requires excessive work hours or travel. Additionally the shared parenting arrangement should be implemented to maintain the status quo that the parties established during their marriage, not to establish an arrangement that is merely self serving for purposes of the divorce. Practically speaking, there are obstacles to shared parenting. It is not the easy choice. It requires parents and children to be diligent. Items such as backpacks, books and clothes must be transported between mom’s house and dad’s house. As we are dealing with children and their belongings, numerous items may get misplaced and there may be many instances where a child discovers that he left something at mom’s house when he needs it at dad’s house. These are all the practicalities of dealing with this sort of parenting arrangement. Also, a certain responsibility goes hand in hand with a shared parenting arrangement. If it is dad’s day and little Anthony wakes up with a stomach flu, dad is the one who has to call into work and take Anthony to the doctor. Both parents need jobs and employers with flexibility to work with this sort of parenting schedule. Shared parenting is probably most difficult with teenagers or college age kids as they are the least malleable. They will probably be the most resistant to change and object to shuttling their belongings back and forth between their parents homes. For them life is easiest where there is a full refrigerator, their X box and someone who does their laundry. In establishing any parenting schedule for teenagers or college age kids, it is recommended to take their concerns into account and to adapt to what they want, rather than force the schedule that the parent wants on them. Although shared parenting may not be the easy choice, it can be rewarding. Both parties are able to maintain that day to day contact with their children and remain a part of their daily lives. It should be something that is considered by the parties on a case by case basis.
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After the divorce, it is every couple’s intention to stay courteous and amicable with their ex. In fact, many times, it’s even written in the divorce decree that everyone is to be polite and that contact can be free and encourage throughout their children’s lives. For many, however; staying friends with an ex can set up unrealistic expectations for you, the other party and the children you both share. Here are a few reasons staying friends is harder than you might think: Setting up false hope with your children: Your children are used to having two parents living together under the same roof. Even though you might have explained that you and the other parent are no longer going to be a traditional family, the hope continues to live there as long as you two remain very close friends. That’s because children don’t understand how two people who seem friendly enough can’t wind up back together again – even if a new partner has been introduced. Depending on the ex for emotional support: Far too often the boundaries of what’s acceptable in a divorced relationship and what’s causing further anxiety gets blurred when you’re trying to remain friends with a partner. That’s because as much as you’d like to continue depending on your ex, they’re not responsible for your emotional or physical well-being any longer – which hurts when they fail to provide it as a friend. New relationships feel threatened: It doesn’t matter how many times you tell a new partner that it’s only mutual, platonic friendship, knowing you’re extremely friendly with your ex is going to be a major hurdle for even the most understanding individual. That’s because whether they like it or not, they understand that at one point there was more than a mutual feeling – threatening their very relationship with the “what if” of it returning. Setting unrealistic expectations: If there is one individual in the relationship who has even the slightest hope that they can rekindle the spark they once had, it’s only going to hurt them badly in the long run should that not happen. Many times, having a platonic friendship can put emotional strain on the partner waiting for a second chance, which can cause intense conflict down the road should that not occur (or should you introduce a new partner into the situation.
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We’d all like to believe that our married friends are going to remain involved in our lives after the divorce has been settled – but that’s not only the case. In fact, many newly divorced couples feel it a little insecure when their oldest and dearest friends no longer seem to call or visit. It’s not that your old friendships are completely done for; chances are your friends don’t know how to interact with you – now that your “other half” has vanished. Here are three types of friendships you’ll face after the divorce has been finalized: The mutual friend This particular friend is committed to keeping his or her interests the same as they’ve always been – between you both. Often times, this type of friend enjoys maintaining a friendship with both parties, but finds it awkward to understand the discomfort you feel when invited to social gatherings. Although they mean well, this friend can come across as insensitive and selfish at times. The bail-out friend For some individuals, choosing a specific side or “loyalty” feels necessary. This friend was generally friends with one person before the two of you were married (although this isn’t always the case) they’ll stick with that person long after you’ve separated. For this type of friend, remaining friends with both seems unnerving – so don’t be surprised if they seemingly disappear after the documents have been signed. The fighting friend This particular individual believes that a friendship shouldn’t be defined by who you are or who you were married to. This person stays where they feel comfortable; typically thinking of personal situations or events that have occurred before deciding how they want to maintain the friendship. Sometimes, this friend will stick to one individual – in other times, they’ll switch to your ex (if they were close). This person doesn’t consider prior to the marriage and often feels the need to choose one side over the other, instead of maintaining both friendships. The fall-back friend A fall-back friend is someone who uses both of you when they need someone to talk to, although there is no immediate loyalty to either side. That’s not to say they’re a bad friend – they’re likely just interested in having a good group of friends to hang-out with and enjoy. This friend is a perfect solution should you want to just get out and forget about the emotional chaos.
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Divorce can sometimes strike an individual seemingly out of the blue – especially if you believed everything was perfectly fine in your relationship. For some, learning to let go of the anger you feel isn’t an easy task. While it’s okay to be angry about the deterioration in your marriage, it’s not okay to let it fester for long periods of time. Here are five tips to help you let go of anger and move on with your life: Write it down privately Keeping a private journal can be a wonderful emotional crutch when you’re trying to process the divorce and your mental health. If you’re feeling angry, take a few moments to write down exactly how you’re feeling and why. Remember, this isn’t going to be read by anyone else – so feel free to let yourself go and write how you’re truly feeling. Let go of the blame It doesn’t matter whether it was something you did or whether it was something your ex caused throughout your relationship – blame isn’t going to fix the marriage. When you’re going through divorce, it’s easy to get stuck in the blame mindset; after all, hurt and anxiety are completely common and normal. After you come to terms with the blame, let go of the finger-pointing and focus your attention on moving forward, instead of back. Forgive yourself for feeling sad Grief is a completely normal process in a divorce – even if you were the one who requested it. For some, learning how to forgive the sadness is an important step in healing; especially if you want to move on with your life when it’s final. Take a few months to process through the grief –allowing the sadness and upset to have a place in your thoughts – but let them go when you’re done. Seek help if you need it There is nothing wrong with making the decision to talk to a professional about the emotional impact you’re feeling with the divorce. Many people don’t understand the impact a divorce might have – until it’s something they’re facing personally. Make sure you understand that seeking a professional opinion is not a sign of weakness – it’s a sign of personal well-being. Recognizing the need to speak with a therapist is a positive step you can take to moving past this milestone and on to your new chapter.
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While divorce rates are high across the board, there are certain factors make it less likely that your marriage will end in divorce. By identifying these factors, you can build a marriage that is more likely to endure the test of time. Couples Older than 25 The failure rates for young marriages are high, but those numbers drop significantly when both partners are older than 25. The theory is that older couples are more mature, more financially stable and better able to resolve conflict. Whatever the reasons for the trend, statistics show that your marriage is more likely to last if you wait. Couples Who Have Still-Married Parents If your parents and your intended’s parents are still married, your chances of divorce drop significantly. Having a model of what marriage is like and how to resolve conflict will make it more likely that you will be able to navigate through the rough waters that often accompany marriage. Couples Who Live in “Blue States” Blue states, or those that vote primarily Democratic, tend to be liberal, which would seemingly make them more likely to have high divorce numbers. Statistics have shown, however, that the opposite is true. Blue states like New York, New Hampshire and Vermont have some of the lowest divorce rates in the country. Experts believe this is due to relatively higher rates of wealth and employment and higher educational attainment—factors that have been shown to lessen the likelihood of divorce. Couples Who Share Religious Affiliation Interfaith marriage is common in the United States and abroad, but statistics show that marriages are more likely to last when the couples share their religious conviction. Couples don’t even have to have religious beliefs in order for this statistic to hold true. Atheists have some of the lowest rates of divorce in America. While statistics show that some groups have lower rates of divorce than others, couples counseling can level the playing field and make it more likely that your marriage will survive.
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A child is created with two parents and should be able to maintain a relationship with both throughout their lives. Whether this includes frequent contact, overnight access or shared living accommodations – the bond between both parents should be strong, for the best interest of the child. Far too many times, common situations arise that can cause grieve and anxiety for your children – that you may not be aware of. Here are three things that can cause your child stress over the divorce that you need to avoid. Keep Information About Divorce Basic Children should be kept from any adult conversations or discussions pertaining to the divorce – especially if this includes reasons behind the split. It is never appropriate to mention infidelity to a child, nor is it appropriate to state specific reasons behind the split. Make sure that all conversations with friends and family are kept away from the children, as overhearing parts of adult discussions can lead to their own conclusions. Keep information about the divorce basic, with reasons of “it’s just not working out anymore” or “we’re just not getting along anymore”. Keep Negativity to Yourself Never mention anything negative about your spouse to your children, including any support or access visits. Remember that a child deserves a happy relationship with both parents, even if you believe otherwise. Make sure you ask friends and family members to limit conversations about the other party to private chats – when your children are in bed or when they’re not in the home. Calling your spouse names can cause stress and hurt as they feel they have to choose between the parents – which shouldn’t be the case. Never Argue or Fight in Front of the Children Kids are sponges – they absorb everything they see and hear, using it to form an opinion on the situation. Creating negative environments (with fights, screaming or physical altercations) does nothing but teach the child that the new change is a negative one. Regardless of the situation, make the commitment to never bring conversations or disagreements up in front of the kids – saving important conversations for other times that the two of you can discuss things privately and calmly. Don’t Put Blame on the Other Parent Similar to that of the reasoning behind the divorce, it’s important that children not hear a parent blaming another for the separation. This is true for any situation in which a child wants answers, “why does daddy have to leave?” should not be answered with “because he wants to start a new family.” Instead, offer a simple explanation of, “he doesn’t live here anymore.” By shifting the focus away from hurt and blame, your children will begin adapting to the new environment – without feeling like they have to take sides or make judgements against the “lesser” parent. The ability to absorb into the new routine will become less painful for everyone involved if both parents commit to being pleasant and courteous.
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