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Divorce

Surviving New Jersey Divorce

Divorce is very difficult no matter how unhappy the marriage may have been. Those who are directly involved experience a great many different feelings and may even feel sadness, especially if there are children involved. Sometimes the only way to cope with the associated feelings is by joining a divorce support group. Coping with the Feelings Anyone going through a divorce may experience a variety of different emotions that might include anger, grief, and confusion. In addition to all the overwhelming emotions, there are both legal and financial issues with which they must deal. When you add the additional problems of shared custody, visitation, and child support it can create quite a burden. This is an area in which a divorce support group can be quite invaluable. A divorce support group provides a means of moral support for those who are going through the process of separation and pending divorce. What makes these groups so helpful is everyone who attends the support group is experiencing the same thing and is therefore able to provide moral support as well as practical advice. Sometimes becoming involved with the right group can make the difference between a person struggling without help or having the help necessary for him or her to take control of the entire situation at hand. Finding a Divorce Support Group Anyone who is looking for a support group will find a great many helpful resources. The best divorce support group is one that makes an individual feel comfortable enough to discuss any issues with which that person is uncomfortable without worrying about whether anyone is listening. The best way to find the right group is by attending several different ones before making a final decision. When you attend divorce support groups you can communicate with people who can help you create the best possible situation for your children not just during the divorce but afterward as well. They will help you focus on the interests of your children over both a short-term and long-term period of time. Benefits of a Divorce Support Group Divorce creates a lot of emotions, and many people have a difficult time dealing with and controlling the emotions associated with the process. Divorce support groups will help you set goals that will be beneficial to the children and help you learn to focus on their interests and needs instead of on your emotions and all the things that irritate you about your ex. Everyone in the support group will initially be strangers to you. It may be difficult to enter into a group that consists of members who already know each other, so you may want to choose a start up group instead of an existing one. You may also want to decide whether you want to sit in on a group with only one gender or both. Some people may not feel comfortable in a mixed group. There are several benefits of attending a divorce support group that include: Ability to discuss your emotions and situation with people who are in a similar situation Shows you how others are handling their children and will provide you with ideas and solutions you might find useful when it comes to dealing with daily problems with your children Support groups can help you learn how to ease the disappointment your family members may feel regarding your divorce Sharing your emotions will help you feel appreciated for your courage Support group members will help you understand the financial challenges divorce will present and help you learn how to handle them You will learn about your rights in the state where you live Group members will drill you about the importance of not signing any papers before consulting with a divorce lawyer You will receive encouragement in the process of building new relationships Don’t wait to become involved in a divorce support group. You should begin looking as soon as you and your spouse make the decision to end your marriage. How to Find Divorce Support Groups No matter where you live there are likely to be thousands of divorce support groups in your area. It’s easy enough to find one that meets your needs by talking to friends who have been divorced and visited a divorce support group. Talking to someone who is familiar with one of these groups is the easiest way to find one that meets your needs and makes you feel comfortable. If you don’t have any friends who are divorced—or at least none who have felt the need to join a divorce support group—there are other resources you can use such as: Searching the internet Conducting a search under various government agencies and community services organizations Obtain a recommendation from your attorney Seek a referral from either your church or a social worker Getting through a divorce is a very heartbreaking and painful experience, but finding a compassionate and helpful divorce support group can make the process easier and more bearable. This begins with learning how to choose the support group that makes you feel comfortable and meets your individual needs.

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6 Ways to Keep Communication Open After Divorce

Far too often the past can rear its ugly head in the middle of a conversation – but it’s important to remember that bringing up disagreements and discussions aren’t beneficial to anyone. In fact, making the decision to discuss only the children can alleviate the stress from both parties. Determine the best contact methods If you’re both known for blowing up over the phone, stay clear of this method of contact until you can both learn to talk politely. Take the time to determine which type of contact is going to work well for both of you – whether that’s email, phone, text message or social media. Discuss as adults not with children Don’t include your children in your communication – especially if you might say something disparaging about your ex. As a parent, you need to make the decision to have open communication with your partner – which shouldn’t include your children under any circumstance. Take a breather If your contact is getting you agitated, make sure you take the time to separate and collect your thoughts before continuing the conversation. Many times, parenting needs to be about give or take, not about trying to make the other parent look bad. Take the time to discuss important matters privately – without your children around. Have a third party While a third party can make things seem like a cat and mouse game, for parents who simply can’t see eye-to-eye, it can be a useful tool in learning to communicate together. Ask a mutual friend to sit down with the two of you and help the conversation progress to a resolution. Do not use this if you believe either partner wants to play “right and wrong”. Learn to let go Many times, old emotions can be hard to move past – especially if the divorce is still raw. While you’re entitled to feel hurt, it’s not beneficial to your children. Pretend that your ex is simply a co-worker who’s trying to parent your children effectively and don’t stray from that communication.

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How Collaborative Divorce Protects Families and Saves Money

“There is no such thing as a “broken family.” Family is family, and is not determined by marriage certificates, divorce papers, and adoption documents. Families are made in the heart. The only time family becomes null is when those ties in the heart are cut.” – C. JoyBell It isn’t surprising that divorce ranks only second to the death of a loved one as one of life’s most stressful events.1 Traditional divorce litigation has become synonymous with all-out no-holds barred war leaving only destruction in the form of broken families and shattered finances in its wake. Few are able to escape the emotional toll it takes on the lives of everyone involved. Whether driven by the expectations of society or the fear that comes from the uncertainty of litigation, “I’ll hire a pit-bull lawyer and take him for all he’s worth” became the mantra of so many who are facing divorce. Divorce in this context rarely ends well. But over the last decade a new approach to divorce has surfaced and it is causing a paradigm shift in how we view the divorce process. Collaborative Law If the old way creates broken families, collaborative law allows families to thrive in the new chapter of their lives. Collaborative law is a new approach to the divorce process that focuses on the best possible outcome for everyone involved instead focusing on what went wrong. In the collaborative process, the spouses are represented by collaboratively trained attorneys who assist them in resolving their issues through a series of confidential meetings. The spouses both commit to honest and open communication with a common goal of resolving all areas of matrimonial dispute without going to court. In addition, the lawyers commit to resolving the case without court. In fact, should the collaborative process break down the couple will have to hire new attorneys because the collaborative attorneys are required to withdraw as counsel. This ensures that everyone is committed to reaching a resolution and the threat of going to court is removed from the equation. A team of collaborative professionals including mental health professionals and financial experts is also available to assist in the process. The benefits of collaborative divorce include: Protects Children Children are often the ones who suffer most when divorce becomes adversarial. The emotional toll of parents involved in a court battle can have leave permanent scars. This process fosters collaboration on creative solutions that are in the best interest of the children without them being used as leverage.  The importance of shared parenting for the well-being of the children is acknowledged and encouraged in the collaborative process taking the focus away from conflict in visitation schedules. Saves Time and Money The collaborative process can result in significant savings over traditional divorce litigation because the couple voluntarily provides financial and other information without the need for discovery. In addition, because they control the process they are not held captive by court dates and the legal process. Protects Extended Family In a litigated divorce where accusations are being made and lines being drawn, extended family and friends are often forced to take sides. The end result can be devastating as grandparents, aunts and uncles and others become isolated. Naturally, collaborative law protects these relationships. Privacy Collaborative divorce also protects the privacy of the couple because negotiations do not become part of the public court record. All meetings are confidential. The only information that will become public record will be the final divorce decree. Because the divorcing couple, with the help and support of their own attorneys, crafts the agreement together in an atmosphere of cooperation and communication, the final outcome tends to be one where everyone wins. 1.       Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale.http://www.healthline.com/health/depression/divorce

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After Divorce: Starting Over Financially

When the divorce has finally finalized and you have the decree in your hands, it might seem like it’s going to take forever to rebuild yourself as an individual. Unfortunately, for many different people, divorce can destroy any financial history you’ve had with your partner. Far too often the expensive process of separating affairs can leave your bank account drained and your credit card maxed, leaving you feeling depleted and defeated. To help you rebuild your finances after divorce, here are some helpful tips: Rebuild small: Far too often looking at the negative effects of divorce can be debilitating. If you’re feeling over-whelmed and a little too anxious about rebuilding, you’re liable to do nothing in the long-term. Break down your hurdles into smaller more achievable pieces and work to accomplish even one item every three to four months. By breaking things down into smaller sections, you’re more likely to appreciate when you’ve completed various things – instead of solely focusing on the entire negative impact. Build your savings: Whether you need something for an emergency or just want to have a bit of security if things go wrong – start by setting some money into a savings account every pay period. Remember, the amount of the money doesn’t specifically matter as long as you get into the habit of putting money into a separate account that remains untouched. If you’re not sure whether you’ll be able to save, take the time to get a part-time job and use the money to add an extra cushion to your bank account. Cut back unneeded expenses: When the funds are limited it’s important to refocus your attention on the needed costs and learn to weed out anything that typically doesn’t help – at least for the short-term. Start by looking at your budget and find anything extra that you can do without. They don’t have to be huge expenses, but limiting coffee purchases, restaurant purchases or manicures can add up to a hefty price tag long-term. Stop worrying about the Jones’: It’s easy to get caught up in a game of who bought what – but don’t let what others are purchasing define how successful you are at rebuilding your financial wealth. Take the time to evaluate what your family has and stop worrying about the latest gadgets and other monetary expenses people are paying to have the latest and greatest.

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Three Types of Friendships After the Divorce and How to Cope

We’d all like to believe that our married friends are going to remain involved in our lives after the divorce has been settled – but that’s not only the case. In fact, many newly divorced couples feel it a little insecure when their oldest and dearest friends no longer seem to call or visit. It’s not that your old friendships are completely done for; chances are your friends don’t know how to interact with you – now that your “other half” has vanished. Here are three types of friendships you’ll face after the divorce has been finalized: The mutual friend This particular friend is committed to keeping his or her interests the same as they’ve always been – between you both. Often times, this type of friend enjoys maintaining a friendship with both parties, but finds it awkward to understand the discomfort you feel when invited to social gatherings. Although they mean well, this friend can come across as insensitive and selfish at times. The bail-out friend For some individuals, choosing a specific side or “loyalty” feels necessary. This friend was generally friends with one person before the two of you were married (although this isn’t always the case) they’ll stick with that person long after you’ve separated. For this type of friend, remaining friends with both seems unnerving – so don’t be surprised if they seemingly disappear after the documents have been signed. The fighting friend This particular individual believes that a friendship shouldn’t be defined by who you are or who you were married to. This person stays where they feel comfortable; typically thinking of personal situations or events that have occurred before deciding how they want to maintain the friendship. Sometimes, this friend will stick to one individual – in other times, they’ll switch to your ex (if they were close). This person doesn’t consider prior to the marriage and often feels the need to choose one side over the other, instead of maintaining both friendships. The fall-back friend A fall-back friend is someone who uses both of you when they need someone to talk to, although there is no immediate loyalty to either side. That’s not to say they’re a bad friend – they’re likely just interested in having a good group of friends to hang-out with and enjoy. This friend is a perfect solution should you want to just get out and forget about the emotional chaos.

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Letting Go of Blame – Getting Over Anger

Divorce can sometimes strike an individual seemingly out of the blue – especially if you believed everything was perfectly fine in your relationship. For some, learning to let go of the anger you feel isn’t an easy task. While it’s okay to be angry about the deterioration in your marriage, it’s not okay to let it fester for long periods of time. Here are five tips to help you let go of anger and move on with your life: Write it down privately Keeping a private journal can be a wonderful emotional crutch when you’re trying to process the divorce and your mental health. If you’re feeling angry, take a few moments to write down exactly how you’re feeling and why. Remember, this isn’t going to be read by anyone else – so feel free to let yourself go and write how you’re truly feeling. Let go of the blame It doesn’t matter whether it was something you did or whether it was something your ex caused throughout your relationship – blame isn’t going to fix the marriage. When you’re going through divorce, it’s easy to get stuck in the blame mindset; after all, hurt and anxiety are completely common and normal. After you come to terms with the blame, let go of the finger-pointing and focus your attention on moving forward, instead of back. Forgive yourself for feeling sad Grief is a completely normal process in a divorce – even if you were the one who requested it. For some, learning how to forgive the sadness is an important step in healing; especially if you want to move on with your life when it’s final. Take a few months to process through the grief –allowing the sadness and upset to have a place in your thoughts – but let them go when you’re done. Seek help if you need it There is nothing wrong with making the decision to talk to a professional about the emotional impact you’re feeling with the divorce. Many people don’t understand the impact a divorce might have – until it’s something they’re facing personally. Make sure you understand that seeking a professional opinion is not a sign of weakness – it’s a sign of personal well-being. Recognizing the need to speak with a therapist is a positive step you can take to moving past this milestone and on to your new chapter.

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The Couples Statistically Least Likely to Divorce

While divorce rates are high across the board, there are certain factors make it less likely that your marriage will end in divorce. By identifying these factors, you can build a marriage that is more likely to endure the test of time. Couples Older than 25 The failure rates for young marriages are high, but those numbers drop significantly when both partners are older than 25. The theory is that older couples are more mature, more financially stable and better able to resolve conflict. Whatever the reasons for the trend, statistics show that your marriage is more likely to last if you wait. Couples Who Have Still-Married Parents If your parents and your intended’s parents are still married, your chances of divorce drop significantly. Having a model of what marriage is like and how to resolve conflict will make it more likely that you will be able to navigate through the rough waters that often accompany marriage. Couples Who Live in “Blue States” Blue states, or those that vote primarily Democratic, tend to be liberal, which would seemingly make them more likely to have high divorce numbers. Statistics have shown, however, that the opposite is true. Blue states like New York, New Hampshire and Vermont have some of the lowest divorce rates in the country. Experts believe this is due to relatively higher rates of wealth and employment and higher educational attainment—factors that have been shown to lessen the likelihood of divorce. Couples Who Share Religious Affiliation Interfaith marriage is common in the United States and abroad, but statistics show that marriages are more likely to last when the couples share their religious conviction. Couples don’t even have to have religious beliefs in order for this statistic to hold true. Atheists have some of the lowest rates of divorce in America. While statistics show that some groups have lower rates of divorce than others, couples counseling can level the playing field and make it more likely that your marriage will survive.

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5 Simple Ways to Improve Communication with Your Ex

When you’re divorced, it can seem like communicating with your ex is nearly impossible at times. After all, there was a reason you got divorced (regardless of what that reason was); so don’t try to assume that everything moving forward is going to be simple and easy. Co-parenting children together can be difficult at times, but it’s important to remember that at the end of the day, working toward the common goal of raising your children should be the top priority. Here are five simple techniques you can use to improve the communication between the two of you. It’s important to remember that the animosity between you and your ex needs to stay between you and your ex. This is especially true when trying to co-parent together; sometimes it’s hard to separate the feelings for your ex with the relationship with your children’s parent. Remember that no matter what happens, you’re going to have to deal with each other until the children are at least 18 years old. Keep Issues You Have Away From Kids Never bring your children into a disagreement – especially if you can’t say anything nice about your ex. Bringing up or saying negative things about the other parent makes children feel as though they have to choose between the two of you. Remember that children have a right to have a relationship with both parents, so keep your negativity out of earshot. Children are Not Messengers Keep your children away from adult conversations or disagreements. While your child might travel back and forth between households, it’s not fair to expect them to get involved in any conflict you might have; especially if that involves custody or support. If you have an issue that needs to be addressed, contact your partner directly via email or telephone. Treat Your Ex Like a Business Arrangement Make the agreement to keep a professional, business-like approach to corresponding with each other – even if it’s increasingly difficult. The focus of your correspondence should be the children, and nothing but the children. Speak clearly, talk slowly and make sure you keep your voice level to a minimum while speaking. Bite Your Tongue One of the hardest things in co-parenting is learning to pick your “battles” carefully. Although it’s easy to get under someone’s skin, try to let the small things between the relationship go. While you might not agree with everything that happens within their household, it’s important to remember that you have absolutely no say or control in how things are run – so getting upset isn’t going to change anything.

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Collaborative Divorce Allows Couples to End Their Marriage with Dignity

When you’ve decided to divorce, one of the first things that come to mind isn’t always about the emotional freedom you’ll achieve from the separation – it’s the expensive cost and emotional toll the proceedings are going to have on your life. That’s because for the thousands of couples who have gone through the same situation, traditional court cases have led them down this path – feeling angry, hurt and financially strapped when everything is over. Collaborative Divorce Works Toward a Common Goal Collaborative divorce works to separate the issues at hand between two parties, especially when both people want to simply move on with their lives – instead of trying to place blame and fight about past issues. Unlike traditional divorce proceedings, collaborative divorce has all parties working on the same side—towards a mutual goal. Instead of focusing on the fight between both of you, both individuals agree to set aside their differences and work together on resolving any issues. Seeking Resolution Instead of Placing Blame By working together (each with a respective legal representative) both parties decide to make decisions based on what’s best for the two of them – instead of pushing into a hurtful game of “attack the other party”. By trying to resolve problems, both parties are able to move past the past issues and stick with the common goal of moving on with a new beginning. Legal Counsel Work For a Common Goal Having hired legal counsel members who are committed to helping both parties come up with a resolution works to keep past issues from resurfacing; this helps keep the attention on the items and issues at hand, instead of working against each other in an attempt of playing a right versus wrong mentality. By working together, both legal counsel parties attempt to keep the conversations progressing; instead of hashing out unkind, hurtful or angry comments in a legal battle. Removing the Fighting to Resolve the Issues Keeping these issues to a minimum, collaborative divorce works to remove the negativity from the divorce, helping both parties achieve what they want from the separation collectively – which can leave both parties feeling “whole” or happy with the terms. Having mutually acceptable terms means there will be less negativity when the divorce is finalized – giving both parties the feeling of closure at the end, instead of hurt and resentment.

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Remaining Positive During Your Divorce

Few people enjoy divorce. While there has been a new trend in divorce parties that rival the festivities of weddings, most people view divorce as a period of loss. There are, however, ways to transform this feeling and remain optimistic. By following a few tips for staying positive during your divorce, you will be more likely to come through the process without long-lasting emotional harm. Keep the End in Sight In the midst of a heated divorce, many couples can only see the here and now. This can mean making decisions that will have negative repercussions down the line. Remember that, at the end of this process, you will be starting fresh with a brand new life and a world of possibilities. If the two of you have to raise children jointly, it is vital that you keep this in mind during your divorce. The more positive you remain, the easier it will be to co-parent. Get Support While it may feel safe to isolate yourself during your divorce, it will also mean missing out on valuable support systems. It is important to surround yourself with positive people who will encourage you in your goals and ambitions and help you to rebuild your life. Avoid associating with people who bring negativity and stress into your life. There are support groups that will allow you to interact with and share your journey with others who are also going through divorce. Find a Distraction Divorce can be all-consuming. For some, it occupies every facet of their lives, from work to home and interpersonal relationships. A constructive distraction like a new hobby, time with family or a new education opportunity can help you to remain positive during the process. By following a few tips for staying positive during your divorce, you can get through the process with your sanity intact.

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