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Life After Divorce

How to Restart Your Life After Your Divorce

By Laura M. D’Orsi, Esq. If you are recently divorced, you may be recovering from the shell shock of what you just went through over the past months or years. The following is a guide to steps that can be taken to restart your life after your divorce. A. Review your divorce agreement and make sure you are in compliance with what is required, make sure that you have received all of the assets you are to receive in the divorce and that the appropriate Qualified Domestic Relations Orders (“QDROs”) are being drafted, that the life insurance is in place and that all deeds have been prepared, car title has been transferred and accounts have been transferred/ closed. B. Have your accountant review your divorce agreement to ensure that you are properly withholding for your taxes, if you are receiving or paying alimony. If you do not withhold taxes and you are receiving alimony, you will have to pay a significant sum on April 15 the year after you receive your first alimony payment. C. Review your expenses and come up with a budget. Make sure that you require all of the regular expenses that you pay. If you require more funds, consider increasing deductibles so that you have more expendable income. Review your cellular phone and home internet/ cable bill, and other bills, and determine if you need all of the services provided. Cut back where appropriate. D. Obtain new health insurance, car insurance and life insurance immediately after your divorce, if you no longer have these types of insurances. E.Meet with a financial planner to review the assets that you own and the liabilities that you have. Be aware of what you have, what you owe and what you are entitled to under your divorce agreement. F. Meet with an attorney and have a new will, Power of Attorney and Living Will prepared on your behalf. G. Review your employment situation. If you are not employed, consider obtaining employment to supplement any alimony/ child support that you might receive. Again, review your divorce agreement to ensure that the fact that you are working will not impact the terms of the agreement. H. Make sure you have changed all beneficiaries for your life insurance, pensions, annuities, accounts, and 401K plans, if you are not required to maintain your former spouse as the beneficiary of these policies/ plans. I. Make sure all of the utility bills are in your own name, and remove your former spouses from the utility bills. Make sure all joint credit cards are closed and remove former spouse from same. You also may want to obtain a credit report to verify that all joint accounts are closed. J. Change passwords for accounts and email accounts, including Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. K. Plan a day out where you can enjoy your new found life. This could be a day at the beach, a spa day or a day in the city or at a ball game.

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10 Tips for Reentering the Workforce after Divorce

Consider the following tips as you attempt to launch your new lifestyle: 1. Do some things that appear unrealistic. As you begin your new life as a single person/mom there will be plenty of opportunities for doing things that are completely realistic. Don’t let others sway your thoughts with negative comments. 2. Think of yourself as a legend. Since you are starting over, this is the perfect opportunity to take your career in a different direction. Nothing says you have to seek the same kind of job you performed before you got divorced. This is a good time to think of all the types of jobs you used to think of doing. 3. Picture yourself as a person who can do it all. If you think as a person who is fearful and cautious, you may find yourself willing to accept the first job offer you have even if it isn’t what you really want. Instead, see yourself as confident and proactive. 4. Look at the big picture and don’t limit your scope when it comes to job opportunities. You may not be offered the position for which you originally applied, but HR may offer you another one. 5. Go after what you want. Imagine yourself as a powerful woman and take aim to achieve what your heart desires. 6. Have a multi-faceted plan for your job search. Don’t limit yourself to just checking listings and sending out resumes. Be creative in your search and don’t leave any stones unturned. 7. Don’t worry needlessly about your resume. While you certainly need a resume, it is probably not the factor that will get you the interview or the job. If you are having a problem and find you can’t move forward because of your resume, set up a profile at Linkedin.com. Even minimal information will help you build a network of contacts. 8. Do not underestimate your technical skills. Even if you don’t feel completely comfortable with computers, don’t overlook a good job. Instead look for cheap or free classes that teach the basic skills. 9. Network as any mother would by using LinkedIn, friends, family, and professional associations. Do whatever you need to do in order to build your courage and contacts. 10. Visualize what you want in your life and where you would like to see yourself in 5-10 years. Hold on to your vision for the future.

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Activities to Reconnect with Your Children After Divorce

If you’ve been trying to reconnect with your kids, it might seem like you constantly have to deal with the emotional turmoil and rejection – especially if your children believe you’re the cause of the split. Fortunately, children can and do learn to forgive and move forward, especially if you show them you’re ready to move on to the next chapter. To help you get started, here are seven activities you can do with your children to reconnect: Go Camping: It doesn’t matter where you go, but staying together is important. Take a weekend and visit somewhere new you’ve never been. Whether you’re an avid tent camper or you’ve never tried it before – there’s nothing better than spending the time outdoors. Play a game of tag: Young or old, running through the park and playing with your children is a great way to reconnect—even if your children are teenagers. Show your children a playful side and watch them unfold before your eyes. Play basketball: There’s nothing better than hitting the concrete and playing a game of basketball with your kids – especially if they’re particularly competitive. Look for games that everyone can play, whether that’s a “distance competition” or whether it is a quick game on half-court. Go on a Scavenger Hunt: Sit down with your children and determine at least ten things you’d like to find together on a nature walk. They can be as simple as a flower or as complicated as a specific type of bird. Finish off the walk with a cool treat or trip to the park. Learn a new hobby: Ask your children about a new sport or activity they’d like to learn and make the commitment to doing it as a team. Whether you’re looking to finally master snowboarding or whether waterskiing is the task – you’re bound to have fun, learn something new and build skills together with your child. Get involved in the community: Look into group activities that have both children and adults; these can be gardening groups or outing activities you can all do together. Many times these team building activities can help your child connect with friends and can also build lasting memories for both of you. Do Absolutely Nothing: Take an afternoon to do literally nothing but watch the clouds and see the world through a child again.

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6 Ways to Keep Communication Open After Divorce

Far too often the past can rear its ugly head in the middle of a conversation – but it’s important to remember that bringing up disagreements and discussions aren’t beneficial to anyone. In fact, making the decision to discuss only the children can alleviate the stress from both parties. Determine the best contact methods If you’re both known for blowing up over the phone, stay clear of this method of contact until you can both learn to talk politely. Take the time to determine which type of contact is going to work well for both of you – whether that’s email, phone, text message or social media. Discuss as adults not with children Don’t include your children in your communication – especially if you might say something disparaging about your ex. As a parent, you need to make the decision to have open communication with your partner – which shouldn’t include your children under any circumstance. Take a breather If your contact is getting you agitated, make sure you take the time to separate and collect your thoughts before continuing the conversation. Many times, parenting needs to be about give or take, not about trying to make the other parent look bad. Take the time to discuss important matters privately – without your children around. Have a third party While a third party can make things seem like a cat and mouse game, for parents who simply can’t see eye-to-eye, it can be a useful tool in learning to communicate together. Ask a mutual friend to sit down with the two of you and help the conversation progress to a resolution. Do not use this if you believe either partner wants to play “right and wrong”. Learn to let go Many times, old emotions can be hard to move past – especially if the divorce is still raw. While you’re entitled to feel hurt, it’s not beneficial to your children. Pretend that your ex is simply a co-worker who’s trying to parent your children effectively and don’t stray from that communication.

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Why Staying Friends with Your Ex Might Be Harder Than You Think

After the divorce, it is every couple’s intention to stay courteous and amicable with their ex. In fact, many times, it’s even written in the divorce decree that everyone is to be polite and that contact can be free and encourage throughout their children’s lives. For many, however; staying friends with an ex can set up unrealistic expectations for you, the other party and the children you both share. Here are a few reasons staying friends is harder than you might think: Setting up false hope with your children: Your children are used to having two parents living together under the same roof. Even though you might have explained that you and the other parent are no longer going to be a traditional family, the hope continues to live there as long as you two remain very close friends. That’s because children don’t understand how two people who seem friendly enough can’t wind up back together again – even if a new partner has been introduced. Depending on the ex for emotional support: Far too often the boundaries of what’s acceptable in a divorced relationship and what’s causing further anxiety gets blurred when you’re trying to remain friends with a partner. That’s because as much as you’d like to continue depending on your ex, they’re not responsible for your emotional or physical well-being any longer – which hurts when they fail to provide it as a friend. New relationships feel threatened: It doesn’t matter how many times you tell a new partner that it’s only mutual, platonic friendship, knowing you’re extremely friendly with your ex is going to be a major hurdle for even the most understanding individual. That’s because whether they like it or not, they understand that at one point there was more than a mutual feeling – threatening their very relationship with the “what if” of it returning. Setting unrealistic expectations: If there is one individual in the relationship who has even the slightest hope that they can rekindle the spark they once had, it’s only going to hurt them badly in the long run should that not happen. Many times, having a platonic friendship can put emotional strain on the partner waiting for a second chance, which can cause intense conflict down the road should that not occur (or should you introduce a new partner into the situation.

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Dealing With Housing Challenges Post Divorce

Divorce can bring about a slew of new life changes, from forming a new social life to dealing with  parenting challenges and managing finances as a single person. One of the biggest challenges most divorced people face is how to settle housing arrangements. Planning to move into a new home post-divorce is an issue that many separating couples face. You are Moving Out If you are the spouse that is moving out, there are several factors to consider. As part of your divorce settlement, you may have to pay for the costs of the upkeep of the marital home. If this is the case, these debts will affect how much money you have available for post-marriage housing. Buying a house after a divorce can be tricky. Your lender will want to see that you have the ability to repay the mortgage. Alimony and child support can be used to bolster your financial picture, but only if these payments are made regularly. If your former spouse falls behind on the payments, your lender may not allow you to use them as income to buy a home. Lenders typically want to see three to six months of on-time payments in order to count this income. You Remain in the Home If you are the spouse who remains in the home, there are several factors to consider. The cost of maintaining the home may be your total responsibility, even if your former spouse is making payments toward the upkeep. It can often be a challenge to take on the tasks of home repairs, cleaning and maintenance on your own, so be prepared to tackle these tasks head on. Hiring outside help is often a good way to manage a home on your own after a divorce. Housing is a major factor to consider when you are splitting from your spouse. By being prepared, you will be better able to meet these challenges.

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Surprising Things About Life After Divorce

Getting a divorce can mean making major life adjustments all at once. While some of these adjustments are expected, there are some that take many divorcees by surprise. There are a few things that most people don’t consider until they are facing these issues head on. The most unexpected things about life after divorce can be frustrating, confusing and sometimes comical. Travel is Tricky Travel post-divorce can be a challenge for both men and women, but women often run into several sticky issues when it comes to single travel. If you travel before you get a chance to change your name on your identity documents, you may face hassles when trying to buy airline tickets, board cruise ships or book hotels. Change your passport and identification immediately after you legally change your name. Travel can also be more expensive for the newly divorced. On cruise ships, for example, the tickets are priced for double occupancy, so you may have to pay double or a single supplement if you travel alone. The same applies to sightseeing tours, safaris and other travel events. Dating is Different Depending on your age and how long you were married, the dating landscape may be completely different. With dating apps, text message etiquette and the new “rules” of dating, it can seem that finding a romantic partner means re-learning everything you have learned about life. While this can be frustrating, remember that there are plenty of other newly divorced singles out there who can relate to exactly what you are going through. Finding one of them can mean an instant kinship. Your Relationship With Your Former Spouse Changes Most people expect their relationship with their former spouse to change, but few people expect a change for the better. Now free of your obligation as partners, it may become easier to become friends. Life after divorce can be alien. By understanding these changes, you will be better able to navigate your new world.

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The Key to Parenting After Divorce

Divorce can be hard on separating couples, but it can be absolute devastation for the children involved. Parenting after divorce is one of the hardest parts of separating from your spouse, but it is possible. By remaining flexible and cooperative, you can give your child the best life possible. It’s Not About You You may hard feelings toward the other parent. They may be the worst spouse on the planet and an even worse human being. For now, however, that doesn’t matter. All that matters is that your children love both of their parents and they desperately need you two to work together. If you have feelings of anger toward the other parent, channel them into other areas so that you can do what is best for your children. Be Flexible There is no way to predict every eventuality in the life of a child. Even though there may be a parenting time order in place, you must be flexible and able to work with the other parent in case of scheduling changes. Flexibility will not only make things easier on you as parents, but on the child as well. Remember that children’s needs change as they get older, and you must be willing to adapt to meet these needs. Be Clear and Firm If you are parenting with a former spouse that is vindictive or spiteful, it is imperative that you are clear on your expectations and that you remain firm to your convictions. Being firm yet flexible requires a delicate balancing act that is essential for co-parenting. Coach a Winning Team Parenting is a team sport. It is essential that everyone on the team—parents, grandparents, extended family and friends—work together so that the children can win. Parenting after divorce can be hard. Make it easier by putting the children first.

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Moving on With Your Life After Divorce

Divorce can be a painful process. If the split was mutual and there are no major issues to work out, it can be a simple process that allows you to go on with your life quickly. If the split is acrimonious with issues such as child custody, alimony and division of assets, it can be an emotional upheaval. Getting help getting through divorce is the key to surviving this process and moving on with your life. Expect to Experience Grief Even if the relationship has been broken for years, there is still a grief process when it eventually ends. This grief can come from a loss of social support, companionship and financial stability. It can also come from the loss of the hopes and dreams that you had for your life. Expect to experience anger, denial, sadness and frustration. Understand that you will eventually accept the reality of your marital split and move on. When you do move on from your divorce, you will be able to find happiness once again, either in the form of activities you enjoy or in a new partner. Getting Through Divorce The first step in getting through divorce is to minimize the damage. If you can work out issues with your former spouse through mediation, try that first. It is less adversarial and more cost effective than litigation. It is also much quicker, and can resolve your case in weeks instead of years. Get Support You may need extra support during this time in your life. Reach out to friends and family that can give you emotional and moral support. There are also professionals that are experienced in working with people who have been through divorce. Don’t go it alone. Find someone to talk to who can comfort you. Divorce is rarely quick or painless. Get help to get through it and move on with your life.

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Finding Happiness After Divorce

Going through a divorce can be emotionally taxing. Everyone expects their marriage to stand the test of time, so when it doesn’t, it can be a blow to the ego and to the heart. There is, however, hope for hearts that have been broken by a marital split. Finding Happiness After Divorce Finding happiness after you have been divorced will take deliberate effort. You have to make a commitment and promise to yourself to be happy. If your split was not a mutual decision, it can be a challenge to allow yourself to be happy again. Make a commitment each day to find something to be happy about. Get Active The best way to find happiness after a divorce is to get out there and start living again. Reach out to old friends, take a much needed vacation and embark on your dream career. While it may feel comforting to just stay at home and cut off all social contact after you have been divorced, getting out and being active will help you to find joy in the day to day of life. Get Healing If the marriage and divorce were particularly bad, you may need some professional help to heal from the trauma. Many recently divorced people seek out therapy and counselors to deal with the stress of a marital split. There are well-trained and qualified professionals that specialize in post-divorce counseling. Find one who will listen to your concerns and address them with caring, understanding and dignity. Divorce is rarely easy. Finding happiness after your split from your spouse requires diligent effort. Get out of the house, eat right, get regular exercise and start meeting people. You will find friends that have also been through divorce and an ongoing source of support to help you find happiness again.

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