Divorce and Children Archives - Monmouth County Divorce Attorney in Red Bank, NJ

When To Tell The Children About Divorce

One of the most difficult parts of the divorce process is breaking the news to your children. That is not to say there is anything that is easy about divorce, there isn’t. But for many, telling the children is the part which they dread the most. Everyone’s situation is going to be different and your particular circumstances may dictate when you tell the children. Depending on your current relationship with your spouse, the children may already have a feeling that something is wrong. If that is the case, you may feel the need to have this discussion with them sooner rather than later to avoid the anxiety associated with not knowing. If you can avoid it, it may be best to wait until there is a parenting plan in place. The children are going to have many questions and your ability to answer these questions will go a long way to giving them a sense of stability and security. The worry associated with uncertainty can sometimes make everything that much more difficult for children just like it does adults. By being prepared to answer these questions and show the children that mom and dad have made them a priority, you will be able to alleviate much of that stress. If you are going through the collaborative divorce process, the collaborative team is there to help you with both developing a parenting plan and understanding the best way to tell the children. The divorce coach and/or child specialist has extensive experience in these matters. Finally, plan a time to tell your children when you can do it together if at all possible. It is also important to ensure that there are no distractions and that you’ve chosen a safe and private place. It may be a very difficult and emotional conversation and no one wants to receive news like that in the presence of others. Also make sure that you have plenty of time to answer their questions and provide assurance that although mom and dad may be getting divorced, you will still be a family. You were not divorcing the children.

When To Tell The Children About Divorce Read More »

Helping Your Child Cope with Divorce

With the high divorce rate in the 21st century, thousands of children are forced to endure the stress of divorce every year. Some cope better with divorce than others depending on their personalities, ages, and the circumstances that preceded the parents’ separation. The Best Ways to Help Your Child Divorce will affect all children in one way or another with the initial reaction often being one of frustration, anger, worry, sadness, or shock. On the other hand children can emerge from the divorce better able to handle stress and could possibly even become young adults who are quite flexible and tolerant. There are several very important things the parents need to do in order to help the children cope with the events of the divorce such as: Avoiding arguments, visible conflict, and any legal discussions in front of the children Ensure all disruptions to the children’s daily routines are minimal Avoid showing any negativity or assignment of blame in front of the children—discuss those things in private therapy sessions or with friends when you are away from the home Make sure both parents remain involved in the children’s lives Avoid using your children as a support system—they should not be involved in any personal issues with your ex Be Honest with the Children One of the most important things you can do for your children is to be honest with them and let them know about your decision to separate as soon as you make a definite decision. The news won’t be easy to break, but one thing you don’t want to do is allow anger, blame, or guilt to enter into the conversation. Take time to practice telling the children so you can avoid becoming angry or upset. If your children fail to react right away, impress upon them their reaction is fine, and you will talk to them whenever they are willing to open up. Some children believe they will please their parents if they try to deny any feelings of anger or sadness when finding out their parents will no longer be living together. Regardless of the reaction of the children to the separation and divorce, they need you to be honest with them about the changes that will take place in their daily lives. They will depend on you to ease their fears and reassure them they were not to blame.

Helping Your Child Cope with Divorce Read More »

The 3 Things That Can Cause Anxiety in Your Children During Divorce

A child is created with two parents and should be able to maintain a relationship with both throughout their lives. Whether this includes frequent contact, overnight access or shared living accommodations – the bond between both parents should be strong, for the best interest of the child. Far too many times, common situations arise that can cause grieve and anxiety for your children – that you may not be aware of. Here are three things that can cause your child stress over the divorce that you need to avoid. Keep Information About Divorce Basic Children should be kept from any adult conversations or discussions pertaining to the divorce – especially if this includes reasons behind the split. It is never appropriate to mention infidelity to a child, nor is it appropriate to state specific reasons behind the split. Make sure that all conversations with friends and family are kept away from the children, as overhearing parts of adult discussions can lead to their own conclusions. Keep information about the divorce basic, with reasons of “it’s just not working out anymore” or “we’re just not getting along anymore”. Keep Negativity to Yourself Never mention anything negative about your spouse to your children, including any support or access visits. Remember that a child deserves a happy relationship with both parents, even if you believe otherwise. Make sure you ask friends and family members to limit conversations about the other party to private chats – when your children are in bed or when they’re not in the home. Calling your spouse names can cause stress and hurt as they feel they have to choose between the parents – which shouldn’t be the case. Never Argue or Fight in Front of the Children Kids are sponges – they absorb everything they see and hear, using it to form an opinion on the situation. Creating negative environments (with fights, screaming or physical altercations) does nothing but teach the child that the new change is a negative one. Regardless of the situation, make the commitment to never bring conversations or disagreements up in front of the kids – saving important conversations for other times that the two of you can discuss things privately and calmly. Don’t Put Blame on the Other Parent Similar to that of the reasoning behind the divorce, it’s important that children not hear a parent blaming another for the separation. This is true for any situation in which a child wants answers, “why does daddy have to leave?” should not be answered with “because he wants to start a new family.” Instead, offer a simple explanation of, “he doesn’t live here anymore.” By shifting the focus away from hurt and blame, your children will begin adapting to the new environment – without feeling like they have to take sides or make judgements against the “lesser” parent. The ability to absorb into the new routine will become less painful for everyone involved if both parents commit to being pleasant and courteous.

The 3 Things That Can Cause Anxiety in Your Children During Divorce Read More »

Successfully Co-Parenting After Divorce

Divorce can be a major upheaval in the lives of divorcing couples and their children. There are, however, ways to make the transition easier on everyone involved. Co-parenting is a way that you can allow your children to enjoy a sense of security and stability even when their parents are parting ways. Chances are great that you will have to have ongoing contact with your former spouse following your divorce. It is important to treat this new relationship with your ex partner with as much finesse and care that you can muster. There will no doubt be disagreements and arguments that you two need to work out. The key is to manage these disagreements so that you can focus on doing what is best for your children. Developing Co-Parenting Strategies that Work In order to make co-parenting work, you and your former spouse will need to create a plan that will work for you and your children. The plan you create will depend heavily on the ages and needs of your children. Be sure to create a plan that you can stick to throughout their childhood. Be Flexible While your plan to co-parent should be feasible for the long term, it is beneficial to be flexible in your dealings with the other parent. There are times when you will need to adjust your parenting schedule to fit the current needs of your family, and the key to success is being flexible and cooperative. Create a parenting time schedule that will make provisions for alternative arrangements if they are needed. Involve the Children Don’t leave the children in the dark about your co-parenting plans. Let them know that even though their parents are divorcing, they will still be able to have a meaningful relationship with both Mom and Dad. Allow them to have input in the co-parenting schedule if they are old enough to do so. When it comes to successfully co-parenting after divorce, cooperation and flexibility is key.

Successfully Co-Parenting After Divorce Read More »

The Surprising Upsides to Divorce

Few people get married expecting to get a divorce. Most couples likely assume that they will be the ones to beat the odds, to have the relationship that stands the test of time. Unfortunately, the high rates of divorce tell a different story. There are silver linings when it comes to the cloud of divorce, and many people recover from this upheaval in their lives. The Best Things About Getting a Divorce Divorce can be a new beginning. While one chapter of your life is closing, another one is starting. Divorce can be your opportunity to tackle new projects that you didn’t have time for when you were married, travel the world and indulge in your favorite hobbies. Think of your divorce as a clean slate and a chance to start over, wiser and more experienced. Divorce can boost happiness. If your marriage was particularly acrimonious, divorce can seem like a welcome relief. Splitting with your partner will give you the opportunity to find peace alone or to seek out a more loving relationship with a more compatible partner. For some people, divorce is the best thing that could have happened for their lives. Many people worry about what divorce will do to their children and their sense of security. Children are quite resilient and can adapt to a variety of situations. The key is to be consistent, let the children know what to expect and work together with your former partner. One of the benefits of divorce that involves children is the opportunity to make new traditions in your family. You can involve the children in the creation of new routines and give them a new sense of family and future. Divorce can give you freedom. Many people give up certain dreams when they get married. Now is the time to live your dream of becoming a singer or building a home in the woods. With divorce, you’ve been given a new start. Divorce doesn’t have to mean the end of your life. In fact, it may just be the beginning.

The Surprising Upsides to Divorce Read More »

How Divorce Affects Children

Perhaps one of the biggest questions for couples is whether they should get a divorce or stay together for the kids. This is definitely an important question and should be considered by both parents. It is important to note though that while children with parents who are together often do better than children from broken homes; high-conflict marriages won’t do children any good. For those who are taking into consideration the emotional effects of the divorce on their children, there is a workaround. This can be done by making the marriage as low-conflict as possible. Experts suggest that couples should go through counseling and try fix their marriage before resorting to the dissolution of marriage. The United States has seen a surge in divorce rates since the early 20th century. While divorce is a legal act, it involves a lot of emotions. This experience is also said to be more painful for the children than the adults involved. Psychologists say, couples going through a divorce regain their psychological equilibrium as time goes by but it is debatable whether children actually pull through from such an experience. In fact, it increases the possibility of the kids suffering from behavioral and even psychological problems later on. One must note though that if divorced parents do their jobs right, their children can become more resilient and relatively have “normal” childhoods. But even if parents manage the divorce in a peaceful way and create a stress-free environment for their children, it does not mean that their children will not experience or keep remembering painful memories. In a study done by Laumann-Billings and Emery, college students whose parents are divorced feel that they would have been different people if their parents stayed together. Almost half of the students interviewed also reported that they worry whenever both of their parents attend important events. This is usually because of the conflict between mom and dad. According to the same study, 18 percent of the students also felt doomed because of thoughts that they will repeat their parents’ problems.

How Divorce Affects Children Read More »

Divorce And Children: What You Should Know

Deciding to break things off with your partner is rarely easy to do, and this is especially true when you have children with them. However, there are some tips and advice that can help you make things easier, when it comes to divorce and children. Agree To Be Cooperative A good way to deal with divorce and children is by agreeing to be cooperative with your former partner. This means you and your former spouse will have to bend on certain issues from time-to-time, and sometimes you will need to bite your tongues, but in the long-run, it will make things much easier for you and your kids. Create And Stick With A Schedule And Routine If the court system is helping you in the divorce, you might have to have a schedule of parenting time that the court sets out for you. However, if you don’t, then you should create a schedule that will help you and your former partner avoid conflict, as well as keep things transparent with your former partner. Your kids will be comforted with set routines and ritual, which will provide them with security and stability. Learn How to Detach In many divorces, there are feelings of hurt and resentment afterwards, and this can keep you and your partner from moving further. You should try to detach yourself from negative emotions that relate to the split, and just consider yourself a brand new person. You should thing of your former partner as your co-worker or business partner, and your jobs are to make your kids’ life enjoyable. Don’t Lie Or Hide Things From Your Kids Don’t lie to your kids. Be honest with them and tell them what is happening, but do so in an age-appropriate manner. Don’t try to shield them from the divorce, as this can cause negative emotions to be felt by your kids. Divorce can feel like the worse thing in the world, but it doesn’t have to be the end of the world for your kids. Try to work together with your former spouse, and everyone involved will find it easier.

Divorce And Children: What You Should Know Read More »

Helping Your Children Through Your Divorce

When it comes time to split with your spouse, you may be wondering how it will affect the children. If you have decided that there is no way that you can continue your marriage, the most important thing that you can do is to protect your children from the ultimate damage that divorce can bring. Seek Out Mediation First Divorcing spouses who have been taken through the court process can find it nearly impossible to co-parent afterward. The traditional court process will pit one parent against the other, encouraging them to fight to the death or risk losing their relationship with the children. This not only damages the parents but the children as well. Mediation is the no-conflict alternative. With a mediator, you can discuss your needs with the other parent in a non-adversarial manner and come to an agreement that everyone can live with. The decreased costs of mediation also mean that families can avoid spending their children’s college fund on attorneys. Tell the Kids Don’t hide the fact that you are divorcing from your children. They will find out eventually, and keeping information from them will simply cause them to come to their own conclusions. This can lead to misunderstandings and feelings that they have caused the situation. Tell all of the children at the same time so that none of the children feels responsible for keeping secrets from the others. Use age-appropriate language and reassure them that it is not their fault that you two are splitting. Children want to know if they will have to change schools or move to a new home. Address their concerns honestly and openly. When it comes to divorcing when you have children, the key is to get through the process as quickly and minimize the damage to the children. Find professional help today.

Helping Your Children Through Your Divorce Read More »

Protecting Your Kids During Divorce and How Collaborative Divorce Benefits Children

Divorce can be all out war. Between fighting over property division, assets and debts, spouses can often become enemy combatants when their marriages end. Unfortunately, children often become casualties of this war. The devastation to children in the aftermath of a divorce can be avoided. There are steps you can take to protect your kids during divorce. Vow Not to Fight Although it is easier said than done, some splitting spouses make it a point to not turn their divorce into a raging war. These spouses decide that they will dissolve their union as peacefully as possible, sparing the kids the drama of being caught in the middle of a nasty divorce. Mediation and collaborative divorce are two alternatives to the traditional, adversarial process that often accompanies a split. In mediation, the parties are encouraged to talk out their issues and come to mutual agreement in a non-adversarial environment. There are no attorneys present, and the mediator’s goal is to help the couple find a solution that works for all involved. This makes the process go more smoothly and saves the financial and emotional devastation of a lengthy court battle. How Collaborative Divorce Benefits Children Engaging in civil discourse with your former spouse is key to protecting your kids during divorce. In adversarial litigation, your spouse is an enemy that you are motivated to fight. The goal is a “win” at any costs, even if it means depriving the child of their other parent. With cooperative divorce strategies, you can resolve your conflict quickly and start to work together as co-parents. This will allow the children to enjoy having both parents who work together to secure their best interests. Don’t turn your split into a war. The most vulnerable casualties will be your children. With collaborative divorce, you can work together as partners instead of as enemies.

Protecting Your Kids During Divorce and How Collaborative Divorce Benefits Children Read More »

How to Effectively Handle Divorce and the Kids

When you want a divorce and the kids are old enough to understand what is happening, the process can be somewhat tricky. However, you should be prepared to do your best to ensure that the best interest of your children is well taken care of. Divorcing a spouse is never an easy thing, especially if you have several kids together. Therefore, you should take a careful approach to the whole process. Ideally, you should consult a relationship counselor or a family law attorney to learn more about the process, what to expect and how to minimize any adverse psychological effects the divorce may have on your children. To make the process easier, you may want to do the following: 1. Let Them Know That They are not the Cause of the Divorce Most kids usually blame themselves for their parents’ breakup. As a parent, you should move fast to explain why you are considering divorce. Ideally, you should explain to them about some of the changes that are likely to occur after the divorce and how you are going to ensure that your relationship with them will not change in any way. 2. Fight for Joint Custody Unless your spouse has abused your kids physically, sexually or emotionally, you should negotiate a joint custody arrangement. It is important for both parents to be in the life of their children, even if they cannot continue living together. If the other parent wants full custody, the court may be forced to decide on the matter. However, joint custody will be granted if you have always been there for your kids. 3. Don’t Try to Sabotage Their Relationship With the Other Parent During, and even after, divorce, most parents are not usually in good terms with each other. Some parents even try to make their kids hate the other parent. This is ill-advised because the kids still need both parents in their lives. In fact, you should try to speak well of the other parent. Kids need as much love as possible around them, so you should do your best to ensure that they have a conducive environment around them.

How to Effectively Handle Divorce and the Kids Read More »