Law Offices of Laura M. D’Orsi, Author at Monmouth County Divorce Attorney in Red Bank, NJ | Law Offices of Laura M. D'Orsi, LLC

Activities to Reconnect with Your Children After Divorce

If you’ve been trying to reconnect with your kids, it might seem like you constantly have to deal with the emotional turmoil and rejection – especially if your children believe you’re the cause of the split. Fortunately, children can and do learn to forgive and move forward, especially if you show them you’re ready to move on to the next chapter. To help you get started, here are seven activities you can do with your children to reconnect: Go Camping: It doesn’t matter where you go, but staying together is important. Take a weekend and visit somewhere new you’ve never been. Whether you’re an avid tent camper or you’ve never tried it before – there’s nothing better than spending the time outdoors. Play a game of tag: Young or old, running through the park and playing with your children is a great way to reconnect—even if your children are teenagers. Show your children a playful side and watch them unfold before your eyes. Play basketball: There’s nothing better than hitting the concrete and playing a game of basketball with your kids – especially if they’re particularly competitive. Look for games that everyone can play, whether that’s a “distance competition” or whether it is a quick game on half-court. Go on a Scavenger Hunt: Sit down with your children and determine at least ten things you’d like to find together on a nature walk. They can be as simple as a flower or as complicated as a specific type of bird. Finish off the walk with a cool treat or trip to the park. Learn a new hobby: Ask your children about a new sport or activity they’d like to learn and make the commitment to doing it as a team. Whether you’re looking to finally master snowboarding or whether waterskiing is the task – you’re bound to have fun, learn something new and build skills together with your child. Get involved in the community: Look into group activities that have both children and adults; these can be gardening groups or outing activities you can all do together. Many times these team building activities can help your child connect with friends and can also build lasting memories for both of you. Do Absolutely Nothing: Take an afternoon to do literally nothing but watch the clouds and see the world through a child again.

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6 Ways to Keep Communication Open After Divorce

Far too often the past can rear its ugly head in the middle of a conversation – but it’s important to remember that bringing up disagreements and discussions aren’t beneficial to anyone. In fact, making the decision to discuss only the children can alleviate the stress from both parties. Determine the best contact methods If you’re both known for blowing up over the phone, stay clear of this method of contact until you can both learn to talk politely. Take the time to determine which type of contact is going to work well for both of you – whether that’s email, phone, text message or social media. Discuss as adults not with children Don’t include your children in your communication – especially if you might say something disparaging about your ex. As a parent, you need to make the decision to have open communication with your partner – which shouldn’t include your children under any circumstance. Take a breather If your contact is getting you agitated, make sure you take the time to separate and collect your thoughts before continuing the conversation. Many times, parenting needs to be about give or take, not about trying to make the other parent look bad. Take the time to discuss important matters privately – without your children around. Have a third party While a third party can make things seem like a cat and mouse game, for parents who simply can’t see eye-to-eye, it can be a useful tool in learning to communicate together. Ask a mutual friend to sit down with the two of you and help the conversation progress to a resolution. Do not use this if you believe either partner wants to play “right and wrong”. Learn to let go Many times, old emotions can be hard to move past – especially if the divorce is still raw. While you’re entitled to feel hurt, it’s not beneficial to your children. Pretend that your ex is simply a co-worker who’s trying to parent your children effectively and don’t stray from that communication.

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How Collaborative Divorce Protects Families and Saves Money

“There is no such thing as a “broken family.” Family is family, and is not determined by marriage certificates, divorce papers, and adoption documents. Families are made in the heart. The only time family becomes null is when those ties in the heart are cut.” – C. JoyBell It isn’t surprising that divorce ranks only second to the death of a loved one as one of life’s most stressful events.1 Traditional divorce litigation has become synonymous with all-out no-holds barred war leaving only destruction in the form of broken families and shattered finances in its wake. Few are able to escape the emotional toll it takes on the lives of everyone involved. Whether driven by the expectations of society or the fear that comes from the uncertainty of litigation, “I’ll hire a pit-bull lawyer and take him for all he’s worth” became the mantra of so many who are facing divorce. Divorce in this context rarely ends well. But over the last decade a new approach to divorce has surfaced and it is causing a paradigm shift in how we view the divorce process. Collaborative Law If the old way creates broken families, collaborative law allows families to thrive in the new chapter of their lives. Collaborative law is a new approach to the divorce process that focuses on the best possible outcome for everyone involved instead focusing on what went wrong. In the collaborative process, the spouses are represented by collaboratively trained attorneys who assist them in resolving their issues through a series of confidential meetings. The spouses both commit to honest and open communication with a common goal of resolving all areas of matrimonial dispute without going to court. In addition, the lawyers commit to resolving the case without court. In fact, should the collaborative process break down the couple will have to hire new attorneys because the collaborative attorneys are required to withdraw as counsel. This ensures that everyone is committed to reaching a resolution and the threat of going to court is removed from the equation. A team of collaborative professionals including mental health professionals and financial experts is also available to assist in the process. The benefits of collaborative divorce include: Protects Children Children are often the ones who suffer most when divorce becomes adversarial. The emotional toll of parents involved in a court battle can have leave permanent scars. This process fosters collaboration on creative solutions that are in the best interest of the children without them being used as leverage. The importance of shared parenting for the well-being of the children is acknowledged and encouraged in the collaborative process taking the focus away from conflict in visitation schedules. Saves Time and Money The collaborative process can result in significant savings over traditional divorce litigation because the couple voluntarily provides financial and other information without the need for discovery. In addition, because they control the process they are not held captive by court dates and the legal process. Protects Extended Family In a litigated divorce where accusations are being made and lines being drawn, extended family and friends are often forced to take sides. The end result can be devastating as grandparents, aunts and uncles and others become isolated. Naturally, collaborative law protects these relationships. Privacy Collaborative divorce also protects the privacy of the couple because negotiations do not become part of the public court record. All meetings are confidential. The only information that will become public record will be the final divorce decree. Because the divorcing couple, with the help and support of their own attorneys, crafts the agreement together in an atmosphere of cooperation and communication, the final outcome tends to be one where everyone wins. 1. Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale.http://www.healthline.com/health/depression/divorce

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Shared Parenting and Divorce

Divorce today is most likely very different then it was 20 or even 10 years ago. Many men today are very involved parents. They care for the daily needs of their children, help with homework, coach their sports teams, and care for them while their spouse is working. In certain cases that I have been involved with, it is becoming more common that men enjoy extensive parenting time with their children,, not the typical every other weekend schedule that men enjoyed in the 1970s and 1980s. Today, many families who divorce choose to establish parenting schedules where the children enjoy certain days overnight each week with one parent or the other, and also alternate weekends. This enables both of the parents to continue an active role in the lives of their children. Obviously it is better, if both parents can be involved in the daily lives of their children, rather than one parent being resorted to a weekend or a Disneyworld parent role, where he/she only spends time with the children every other weekend. It should be noted, that these shared parenting arrangements work best where both parties get along, the parties live in the same or in nearby towns, and where neither party has a career that requires excessive work hours or travel. Additionally the shared parenting arrangement should be implemented to maintain the status quo that the parties established during their marriage, not to establish an arrangement that is merely self serving for purposes of the divorce. Practically speaking, there are obstacles to shared parenting. It is not the easy choice. It requires parents and children to be diligent. Items such as backpacks, books and clothes must be transported between mom’s house and dad’s house. As we are dealing with children and their belongings, numerous items may get misplaced and there may be many instances where a child discovers that he left something at mom’s house when he needs it at dad’s house. These are all the practicalities of dealing with this sort of parenting arrangement. Also, a certain responsibility goes hand in hand with a shared parenting arrangement. If it is dad’s day and little Anthony wakes up with a stomach flu, dad is the one who has to call into work and take Anthony to the doctor. Both parents need jobs and employers with flexibility to work with this sort of parenting schedule. Shared parenting is probably most difficult with teenagers or college age kids as they are the least malleable. They will probably be the most resistant to change and object to shuttling their belongings back and forth between their parents homes. For them life is easiest where there is a full refrigerator, their X box and someone who does their laundry. In establishing any parenting schedule for teenagers or college age kids, it is recommended to take their concerns into account and to adapt to what they want, rather than force the schedule that the parent wants on them. Although shared parenting may not be the easy choice, it can be rewarding. Both parties are able to maintain that day to day contact with their children and remain a part of their daily lives. It should be something that is considered by the parties on a case by case basis.

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Why Staying Friends with Your Ex Might Be Harder Than You Think

After the divorce, it is every couple’s intention to stay courteous and amicable with their ex. In fact, many times, it’s even written in the divorce decree that everyone is to be polite and that contact can be free and encourage throughout their children’s lives. For many, however; staying friends with an ex can set up unrealistic expectations for you, the other party and the children you both share. Here are a few reasons staying friends is harder than you might think: Setting up false hope with your children: Your children are used to having two parents living together under the same roof. Even though you might have explained that you and the other parent are no longer going to be a traditional family, the hope continues to live there as long as you two remain very close friends. That’s because children don’t understand how two people who seem friendly enough can’t wind up back together again – even if a new partner has been introduced. Depending on the ex for emotional support: Far too often the boundaries of what’s acceptable in a divorced relationship and what’s causing further anxiety gets blurred when you’re trying to remain friends with a partner. That’s because as much as you’d like to continue depending on your ex, they’re not responsible for your emotional or physical well-being any longer – which hurts when they fail to provide it as a friend. New relationships feel threatened: It doesn’t matter how many times you tell a new partner that it’s only mutual, platonic friendship, knowing you’re extremely friendly with your ex is going to be a major hurdle for even the most understanding individual. That’s because whether they like it or not, they understand that at one point there was more than a mutual feeling – threatening their very relationship with the “what if” of it returning. Setting unrealistic expectations: If there is one individual in the relationship who has even the slightest hope that they can rekindle the spark they once had, it’s only going to hurt them badly in the long run should that not happen. Many times, having a platonic friendship can put emotional strain on the partner waiting for a second chance, which can cause intense conflict down the road should that not occur (or should you introduce a new partner into the situation.

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After Divorce: Starting Over Financially

When the divorce has finally finalized and you have the decree in your hands, it might seem like it’s going to take forever to rebuild yourself as an individual. Unfortunately, for many different people, divorce can destroy any financial history you’ve had with your partner. Far too often the expensive process of separating affairs can leave your bank account drained and your credit card maxed, leaving you feeling depleted and defeated. To help you rebuild your finances after divorce, here are some helpful tips: Rebuild small: Far too often looking at the negative effects of divorce can be debilitating. If you’re feeling over-whelmed and a little too anxious about rebuilding, you’re liable to do nothing in the long-term. Break down your hurdles into smaller more achievable pieces and work to accomplish even one item every three to four months. By breaking things down into smaller sections, you’re more likely to appreciate when you’ve completed various things – instead of solely focusing on the entire negative impact. Build your savings: Whether you need something for an emergency or just want to have a bit of security if things go wrong – start by setting some money into a savings account every pay period. Remember, the amount of the money doesn’t specifically matter as long as you get into the habit of putting money into a separate account that remains untouched. If you’re not sure whether you’ll be able to save, take the time to get a part-time job and use the money to add an extra cushion to your bank account. Cut back unneeded expenses: When the funds are limited it’s important to refocus your attention on the needed costs and learn to weed out anything that typically doesn’t help – at least for the short-term. Start by looking at your budget and find anything extra that you can do without. They don’t have to be huge expenses, but limiting coffee purchases, restaurant purchases or manicures can add up to a hefty price tag long-term. Stop worrying about the Jones’: It’s easy to get caught up in a game of who bought what – but don’t let what others are purchasing define how successful you are at rebuilding your financial wealth. Take the time to evaluate what your family has and stop worrying about the latest gadgets and other monetary expenses people are paying to have the latest and greatest.

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Three Types of Friendships After the Divorce and How to Cope

We’d all like to believe that our married friends are going to remain involved in our lives after the divorce has been settled – but that’s not only the case. In fact, many newly divorced couples feel it a little insecure when their oldest and dearest friends no longer seem to call or visit. It’s not that your old friendships are completely done for; chances are your friends don’t know how to interact with you – now that your “other half” has vanished. Here are three types of friendships you’ll face after the divorce has been finalized: The mutual friend This particular friend is committed to keeping his or her interests the same as they’ve always been – between you both. Often times, this type of friend enjoys maintaining a friendship with both parties, but finds it awkward to understand the discomfort you feel when invited to social gatherings. Although they mean well, this friend can come across as insensitive and selfish at times. The bail-out friend For some individuals, choosing a specific side or “loyalty” feels necessary. This friend was generally friends with one person before the two of you were married (although this isn’t always the case) they’ll stick with that person long after you’ve separated. For this type of friend, remaining friends with both seems unnerving – so don’t be surprised if they seemingly disappear after the documents have been signed. The fighting friend This particular individual believes that a friendship shouldn’t be defined by who you are or who you were married to. This person stays where they feel comfortable; typically thinking of personal situations or events that have occurred before deciding how they want to maintain the friendship. Sometimes, this friend will stick to one individual – in other times, they’ll switch to your ex (if they were close). This person doesn’t consider prior to the marriage and often feels the need to choose one side over the other, instead of maintaining both friendships. The fall-back friend A fall-back friend is someone who uses both of you when they need someone to talk to, although there is no immediate loyalty to either side. That’s not to say they’re a bad friend – they’re likely just interested in having a good group of friends to hang-out with and enjoy. This friend is a perfect solution should you want to just get out and forget about the emotional chaos.

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Letting Go of Blame – Getting Over Anger

Divorce can sometimes strike an individual seemingly out of the blue – especially if you believed everything was perfectly fine in your relationship. For some, learning to let go of the anger you feel isn’t an easy task. While it’s okay to be angry about the deterioration in your marriage, it’s not okay to let it fester for long periods of time. Here are five tips to help you let go of anger and move on with your life: Write it down privately Keeping a private journal can be a wonderful emotional crutch when you’re trying to process the divorce and your mental health. If you’re feeling angry, take a few moments to write down exactly how you’re feeling and why. Remember, this isn’t going to be read by anyone else – so feel free to let yourself go and write how you’re truly feeling. Let go of the blame It doesn’t matter whether it was something you did or whether it was something your ex caused throughout your relationship – blame isn’t going to fix the marriage. When you’re going through divorce, it’s easy to get stuck in the blame mindset; after all, hurt and anxiety are completely common and normal. After you come to terms with the blame, let go of the finger-pointing and focus your attention on moving forward, instead of back. Forgive yourself for feeling sad Grief is a completely normal process in a divorce – even if you were the one who requested it. For some, learning how to forgive the sadness is an important step in healing; especially if you want to move on with your life when it’s final. Take a few months to process through the grief –allowing the sadness and upset to have a place in your thoughts – but let them go when you’re done. Seek help if you need it There is nothing wrong with making the decision to talk to a professional about the emotional impact you’re feeling with the divorce. Many people don’t understand the impact a divorce might have – until it’s something they’re facing personally. Make sure you understand that seeking a professional opinion is not a sign of weakness – it’s a sign of personal well-being. Recognizing the need to speak with a therapist is a positive step you can take to moving past this milestone and on to your new chapter.

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The Couples Statistically Least Likely to Divorce

While divorce rates are high across the board, there are certain factors make it less likely that your marriage will end in divorce. By identifying these factors, you can build a marriage that is more likely to endure the test of time. Couples Older than 25 The failure rates for young marriages are high, but those numbers drop significantly when both partners are older than 25. The theory is that older couples are more mature, more financially stable and better able to resolve conflict. Whatever the reasons for the trend, statistics show that your marriage is more likely to last if you wait. Couples Who Have Still-Married Parents If your parents and your intended’s parents are still married, your chances of divorce drop significantly. Having a model of what marriage is like and how to resolve conflict will make it more likely that you will be able to navigate through the rough waters that often accompany marriage. Couples Who Live in “Blue States” Blue states, or those that vote primarily Democratic, tend to be liberal, which would seemingly make them more likely to have high divorce numbers. Statistics have shown, however, that the opposite is true. Blue states like New York, New Hampshire and Vermont have some of the lowest divorce rates in the country. Experts believe this is due to relatively higher rates of wealth and employment and higher educational attainment—factors that have been shown to lessen the likelihood of divorce. Couples Who Share Religious Affiliation Interfaith marriage is common in the United States and abroad, but statistics show that marriages are more likely to last when the couples share their religious conviction. Couples don’t even have to have religious beliefs in order for this statistic to hold true. Atheists have some of the lowest rates of divorce in America. While statistics show that some groups have lower rates of divorce than others, couples counseling can level the playing field and make it more likely that your marriage will survive.

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The 3 Things That Can Cause Anxiety in Your Children During Divorce

A child is created with two parents and should be able to maintain a relationship with both throughout their lives. Whether this includes frequent contact, overnight access or shared living accommodations – the bond between both parents should be strong, for the best interest of the child. Far too many times, common situations arise that can cause grieve and anxiety for your children – that you may not be aware of. Here are three things that can cause your child stress over the divorce that you need to avoid. Keep Information About Divorce Basic Children should be kept from any adult conversations or discussions pertaining to the divorce – especially if this includes reasons behind the split. It is never appropriate to mention infidelity to a child, nor is it appropriate to state specific reasons behind the split. Make sure that all conversations with friends and family are kept away from the children, as overhearing parts of adult discussions can lead to their own conclusions. Keep information about the divorce basic, with reasons of “it’s just not working out anymore” or “we’re just not getting along anymore”. Keep Negativity to Yourself Never mention anything negative about your spouse to your children, including any support or access visits. Remember that a child deserves a happy relationship with both parents, even if you believe otherwise. Make sure you ask friends and family members to limit conversations about the other party to private chats – when your children are in bed or when they’re not in the home. Calling your spouse names can cause stress and hurt as they feel they have to choose between the parents – which shouldn’t be the case. Never Argue or Fight in Front of the Children Kids are sponges – they absorb everything they see and hear, using it to form an opinion on the situation. Creating negative environments (with fights, screaming or physical altercations) does nothing but teach the child that the new change is a negative one. Regardless of the situation, make the commitment to never bring conversations or disagreements up in front of the kids – saving important conversations for other times that the two of you can discuss things privately and calmly. Don’t Put Blame on the Other Parent Similar to that of the reasoning behind the divorce, it’s important that children not hear a parent blaming another for the separation. This is true for any situation in which a child wants answers, “why does daddy have to leave?” should not be answered with “because he wants to start a new family.” Instead, offer a simple explanation of, “he doesn’t live here anymore.” By shifting the focus away from hurt and blame, your children will begin adapting to the new environment – without feeling like they have to take sides or make judgements against the “lesser” parent. The ability to absorb into the new routine will become less painful for everyone involved if both parents commit to being pleasant and courteous.

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